Dan Knighton, the would-be seer of seers, has been all around this big bitch of a world. Really. Dude’s probably been places you haven’t. Maybe Dan has been to Malaysia, I don’t know, but I’m betting he has, because hey, he’s been everywhere. Actually I think he told me that he’s been to Malaysia before. But when he’s not there, he’s somewhere else. For instance, he went to China, despite the fact that it’s a sloppy cesspool for corruption and cheap sex; now that I think about it, maybe that was the appeal. Fact: Dan has received maybe more than a dozen hand jobs in the land of the rising fun. In an admirable attempt to “bone chicks” on every continent on the planet, he’s succeeded beyond our wildest expectations. Six down, one to go, they say: Antarctica is up next, and maybe then, the final frontier. Yeah, that’s right, I talking about space, Cowboy Jones; as in, outer space. One small step for man, one giant boner for Dan Knighton, et cetera. I guess he’s just that sort of guy. Sure, the logistics need to be ironed out a bit, but then it’s smooth sailing from there. Imagine a hand job in zero gravity. Go on, imagine. Now imagine more than a dozen.

Yeeeeaaaahhh.

(For the record, Dan did not receive a number even remotely close to twelve hand jobs; however, we here at Octonaut are in the business of making sure Dan has his coveted space sexaganda, and by God, it’s going to take more than a few hand jobs to get there.)

You know what people seriously call this guy? Dank. When I first heard that, I thought it was pretty funny. This was maybe 6 years ago. Cannabis connotations aside, I’d say it’s a pretty endearing term. Timeless, even. Hopefully a Billy eventually becomes a Bill, and a Ricky eventually becomes a Rick. At some point in your life you have to drop the “-y” from your name and just let it fly. But Dank . . . now, that’s a name for the ages. It encapsulates a man I admire dearly. I mean, this guy got a hand job on the Great Wall of China for God’s sake.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive a single paragraph without mentioning that.

When he’s not dipping his jubblies into the Asian economy, Dan Knighton can be found in a humble university somewhere in the heart of the great state of Virginia. I won’t get any more detailed than that, because that guy is in the witness protection program or something.

Dan Knighton is able to grow a beard so fierce it would scare the shit out of Paul Bunyan.