I’m back in the UNITED STATES after 11 and a half hours of the window seat in a row of portly fellows. I have this pretty all right Mass Effect review going up later tonight. But before that, I’m going to try to sleep, I think; hopefully I’ll dream of this song all night; essentially it’s the greatest piece of videogame music ever created. If you disagree with me, then please open up your chest-plate and rewire your feelings. Notice how the main character, whom I assume is SAVAGE, is dressed in a red towel, briefs, white rain boots and seems to sport an infinite amount of throwable axes in his… well, I guess he keeps them in his towel-cape.

WOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHH SAVAGE

Aside from there being no animation of him even throwing anything, I think the best part of Savage is that the second level is an entirely different game; it requires you to input a password, presumably to even start the game and in order to realistically take on your foes, which are little more than floating skulls, Maoi statues and gargoyle robots. The sound of your character (be it the towel-draped man whose blonde hair has seen better days or what), is perfectly hilarious. It’s the sound of broken glass for no reason whatsoever. The bird scene at the end is a particularly lollin’-worthy even if you can even make it that far.

Though WOAAAH SAVAGE is the most important piece of art man can encounter, I just wanted to inform the world that I am home and no, Mom, I was not raped. Please stop watching Dateline and read a damn book or something.

In other news, Metal Gear Solid: The Essential Collection (essential being the entire series worth playing — no offense, NES!) was delivered to my door at some point today, so I think I’m going to go revel in post-modern videogame design or something. Also, I’m pretty sure Steve (the coding guy) is missing or dead, so if anyone has any leads, just drop me a line. I’m willing to bet he’s hanging upside-down from a tree with his head shaved in some godforsaken forest right now. There are more pressing matters at hand, however: SNAAAAAKKKKEEE!!!